A Hard Month

January 2017 was a very stressful, trying month for me.

I had gone on a girls trip with my friend Tiffany Kempton.  We went to Utah to a photography class and had a great time.  On the way home I told her how I would love to redecorate my home, that I needed a change and that it was very outdated with a big red wall.  (Now whites and greys were popular.)  She was excited and said she would help me and let's do it!

Redecorating is "not my thing" so having a friend to help me was what I really needed.  She was in, so I was excited.  My daughter Lexi was to be baptized in one month, so I had a deadline to get the house decorated before family came in to town.

We hired a painter and started to prime the big red wall and Tiffany and I went shopping at Hobby Lobby to find new decorations.  We needed to decide on a new wall color and it was so hard to decide!  I didn't want to have to redo my entire upstairs and so I needed to work with the dark fireplace and my other mocha walls.  I went to Home Depot several times buying little paint cans to sample on the wall.  We had a polka dot wall for a few days trying to find the right shade of gray.  I called friends over to get their opinions and nothing was coming together.  I was so stressed I started crying.  I was sick to my stomache and didn't want to make another decision.  Some paint looked too green, others were too light or too dark or too brown or made my other walls look peach.  Some friends liked one color while others liked another.  I couldn't handle all the choices and didn't love any of them.  I felt like no matter what I did it wasn't going to turn out right and it made me sick and nervous.

I got so stressed that I actually got insanely nauseous and threw up.
During this stressful redecorating project and planning my third child's baptism and preparing to host family for the weekend, Josh told me that his pay check had been cut down to 1/3 or 1/4 of what it used to be.  The company wasn't paying him extra compensation any longer and we were just receiving his base pay.  Our savings wasn't as big as I would have liked, nor as big as it has been in the past and I knew we had large bills due that would wipe our bank account super quick.  I was shocked and terrified and extreme guilt and shame and horror came upon me.  The feelings were intense and real.  And the sad thing is we didn't have anything to show for what we had spent out money on the last several years.  The way I felt was horrible and I never would wish it on anyone.  Not having money and having that stress and fear is the worst.

I couldn't rest, I was worried constantly.  My mother was my saving grace as I could be open with her about my feelings and cry from the depth of my soul.  With Josh's base pay, our mortgage payment was 60% of our income.  We couldn't even pay our basic bills on his base pay.  Luckily Josh has talked with his boss and they are extending his compensation plan for a few more months.  This has really helped me cut out all unnecessary expenses and really look at our budget and be better with our money.

Back to the house, the painter I hired finally found a paint chip and said, "why don't you try this Requisite Gray"?  And I said, ok, that's what I am going to paint.  I can't take this anymore.  I took the paint chip and went straight to the store, bought a gallon bucket of it and asked Julie to paint it, without even testing it first to make sure.

The color has actually turned out perfect!  It doesn't make my other walls look peachy and it doesn't look green or brown.  It has been a miracle!

Lexi's baptism was February 4 and it was beautiful.  Everything turned out great.  I am so grateful!!

Learning Moment

I have had quite the bad record playing over and over in my head lately.  It sounds something like this, "I'm ruining my children.  Everything I do is wrong.  I can't do anything right.  I mess up every time I do something.  I am hurting my children, etc. etc."

It's not good and I am getting quite discouraged by it's message I am hearing constantly.

I read a BYU Speech about the Atonement "Believing Christ: A Practical Approach to the Atonement" by Stephen E. Robinson.  I love his analogy of the little girl purchasing the bike and how she works SO hard and cannot save enough for the bike, but when her Dad steps in and says he will help out if she does her best, then he purchases the bike and she is able to have it.

We are the same as the little girl.  We can work and work and save all we want but we will never measure up even close to the perfection of our Savior.  But if we will partner with Him, then we can achieve anything.  His assets can overcome any debts we have incurred.

I need to partner with the Savior.  Work together.  Be one with Him.

***********************************
Heavenly Mother

I also need to remember my Heavenly Mother and of her characteristics.  I am doing in a small way what she is doing.  I need to liken myself to her.  The other day I was sitting in Primary Sharing Time and I heard someone crying out in the hall.  I immediately knew that it was my sweet little four-year-old daughter Makelle.  I knew her cry and I instantly ran out to help her and comfort her.  She had fallen while running from the drinking fountain, going back to her classroom.  I am sure my Heavenly Mother is the same way.  She knows me, loves me and knows my quirks.  She is here to help me and guide me.

***********************************
Analogy of the Swimming Lessons

A father took his daughter to the swimming pool and thought, "I will teach my daughter how to swim."  But the daughter was petrified and thought she was going to die and was screaming and crying and was unteachable.  The father hugged her and held her and said, "Becky, I've got you.  I'm your dad.  I love you.  I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.  Now relax."  Becky trusted him.  She relaxed and he put his arms under her and said, "Okay, now kick your legs."  And they began to learn how to swim.

"Spiritually there are some of us who are similarly petrified by the questions "Am I celestial?  Am I going to make it?  Was I good enough today?"  We are so terrified if we are going to live or die, or whether we've made it to the kingdom or not, that we cannot make any progress.  It's at those times when the Savior grabs us and throws his arms around us and says, "I've got you. I love you.  I'm not going to let you die.  Now relax and trust me."  If we can relax and trust him and believe him, as well as believe in him, then together we can begin to learn to live the gospel."

I need to stop focusing on Perfection.  I need to stop expecting to "swim" -- master all the Christlike attributes at once -- because I am not to that level.  I need to Stop, Be Still and listen and follow the instructions of how to learn the next step of swimming.

______________________________________________________________
Teachings fro my dear husband...
I am really good at putting a "magnifying glass" on the current situation and/or problem until it is all that I see and it consumes me.

Josh is constantly reminding me to stay above the problem.  Keep an eternal perspective.  Show LOVE and feed on what is positive in the situation.

One of my choices of agency is my choice of what I focus on.  Do I focus on the positive or the negative?  I need to look at my kids and their potential.  I need to give them credit that they are trying!!  That they are doing good!!